Desire is a funny thing

Paris is like a woman on her period, filled with racing hormones, swelling beauty, and inexplicable bitchiness. I not only appreciate it, I can relate. This Paris I understand. She is dirty and lethargic. Her elegant face is dotted with scores of stores hawking their wares. But she has both grand and petite moments of beauty, charm, and utter delight. I am lonely here. I have been completely ignored by everyone except foreigners and horny men that are still under the delusion that Americans are easy. Although I must say, virtually no one has been rude to me. They have returned my smiles and tolerated my completely incomprehensible French. All the same, I am comforted by the city, its buildings, its art, its age. Like the Parisian woman, Paris itself has aged gracefully.

Besides, being lonely is interesting to me, despite the sadness it brings. I have come to realize how easily others can influence me. I almost don’t want to break the spell and make friends. My thoughts here are truly my own. As I sit with them, I find a pleasure that is completely new to me. How is it that an intelligent and strong woman can reach 37 years of age and not know herself? And how did I become such a ridiculous cliché?

I am now free to meander through my desires as I choose. To be honest, I am mostly lost, completely lost. I have no idea how to tell which thoughts are folly and which are fiercely honest. A lifetime of trying to be what others want has left me wondering how to identify what I truly want. Without a person to approve of my decisions, I find myself swayed by my daily activities. Maybe I want to teach French or Italian. Never mind that I can’t find the correct rhythm or pronunciation. Maybe I should find a way to eat for living. Never mind that staying relatively thin and healthy has always been more important to me that eating. Who is this woman? What do these desires really mean? How am I, a woman who has spent a great deal of time being very selfish but very little time thinking about what I truly want, supposed to interpret these desires?