Where have you been?

I didn’t hear from you so I stopped writing….

I learned that trick from my divorce. When you (or your ex-husband) really screw up, blame the other person (that’s me in this sad little story). It’s not just for divorce either. Any blow off can be healed with a little double talk and blame delegation. I have a friend who made plans with a new man for New Year’s Eve. She called him, a lot, but received no return call, no text, no email, no page, and no telepathic message. Nothing. Two days later, he left a voicemail saying his phone wasn’t working and he was kinda pissed at her for bailing on him, until his phone started working again. Maybe that’s true, but when you have plans with someone, you call, even if the other person doesn’t. I’m dubious, but she’s smitten so I will give him the benefit of the doubt. Either way, table turning is an excellent tactic. She’s still mad, but he stopped any discussion about his bullshit move with a short, goofy, and possibly true story. If she tells him to get lost, she will always wonder if she should have given him a second chance. Brilliant.

So I will blame you for my lack of communication in the hopes that you will be so confused by my ridiculously vague and accusatory tone that you will start to wonder if you really are to blame and forgive my unforgivable absence. Did it work? Am I back in your good graces if only because you don’t know if you should be mad?

Seriously, I fell off the map and of course I don’t blame you. I blame Rome. What is it with Italy and the internet? However, now I’m back in the USA, drinking too much, sleeping too little, getting fat, and having lots of sex. In a bizarre twist, I hosted my family Christmas despite the fact that I’m basically homeless. We served two types of handmade lasagna, traditional meat and butternut squash, followed by a deliciously rich chocolate cake. Yes, I made the pastas and sauces from scratch, and dinner was outstanding, but the real show stoppers were the Italian cured meats, cheeses, and wine. Let me just say, we should consider renaming heaven sopressata. With all this activity, I didn’t have the emotional energy to write. So here it is January 6^th, and I’m telling the story of my final days in Paris and Rome. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.